“It is not the strongest of species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones that are most responsive to change.” -Charles Darwin
When people go through divorce or breakups, I often hear the phrase, “How will I ever get over this?” or “When will the pain go away?”
Oftentimes with breakups and divorces, it’s hard to imagine the agony ever ceasing. You’re so immersed in your own pain that you can’t often see the light.
Pain has several degrees to it, and as with any pain, it does get better with time. Time is the only thing that actually heals pain. It may sound cliché, but it’s true. Sure, there are things you can do to mask or numb pain, but along with time, there are steps you can take to help heal a little bit faster, because in no uncertain terms…”You are a Survivor”!!!
I think being the child of a Holocaust survivor has given me a perspective to life that most don’t have. Unfortunately, it’s also made me incredibly superstitious. So every time I do have a bump in my road or obstacle to face, I’m always thinking in the back of my mind that someone gave me the ‘evil eye.’
However, I can say in no uncertain terms that I do roll with the punches that life offers because I often compare my own hurdles to those that my father went through. When I do that, my own bumps always seem minor and easier to manage. That is not to say that I minimize my own life, but I do quantify the relevance of every setback. It’s much less dramatic that way.
When I speak to people about their broken relationships and heartache, I like to ask them questions. Some examples of these questions are:
*Before you entered your previous relationship, what did you do to occupy yourself?
*What hobbies, friends and activities kept you busy and happy?
One common misconception after a breakup or divorce is that happiness can only be found with a significant other.
I always tell people that it is beneficial to look beyond the relationship to what life was like before, and realize that they are strong and independent and able to live a happy and fulfilling life without the help or influence of another person.
Initially after you break up or get divorced, it may be frightening to think of living life without the support of a significant partner. You will be surprised by how much you can learn and grow from this experience. So when friends or readers ask me if they will be alone forever, I often respond with facts. One fact is, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, period.
We know you were able to find a partner once, you were able to fall in love, you were able to sustain love…and if the past predicts the future, then you will fall in love again. FACT!
But not yet…
I tell people that the easiest and worst thing you can do right after a divorce or break up is to find another partner to fill the void. This is just a temporary solution that will not work and will ultimately lead to even more problems. Plus, you will find that you go through multiple partners very fast. I like to call this, ‘the revolving door effect.’ I’ve seen many ladies get caught in this. It’s not pretty.
You really need to heal from one union before you begin another one. If not, then you will not be able to fully allow yourself the chance to fall in real love again. You will be spending time with someone else for all the wrong reasons and basically just providing yourself with space holders.
So what are the steps involved in finding a happier self?
If you start mapping out your destination from today to where you want to be, you will have a good idea of approximately how far you have to travel. Think of this process as GPS mapping. I like to call this from ‘hopeless to happy.’
In my opinion, there are three stages involved to becoming happy after heartbreak.
These stages are as follows:
*The awakening – I am where I am supposed to be.
*The shift – I can create anything I want in order to be happy.
*The journey – I am falling in love with a purpose rather than a person
It’s true. While you’re going through the struggle, it feels like the pain will never end. But I will assure you it will – a very close male friend once said to me that everything in life either grows or dies. A broken heart will eventually heal, as will any other broken part of your body. “No storm can last forever.” It might last a while, but not eternity.
I often get asked about crying. I think crying is actually very beneficial. It releases the pain one is often experiencing and offers a release of emotion.
You’ll stop crying when you’re ready and not a minute before.
It is important to take back your power, and with the onset of the New Year, what better time to do so. Once that is done, the healing process can begin.
Until Next time,
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The Buddha Team