“It is not the strongest of species that survive,
nor the most intelligent, but the ones that are most responsive to change”. -Charles Darwin
When people go through divorce or breakups, I often hear the phrase, “How will I ever get over this?” or “When will the pain go away?”
Often times, with ‘breakups and divorces’, it’s hard to imagine the agony ever ceasing.
You’re so immersed in your own pain that you can’t often see the light. Pain has several degrees to it, and as with any pain… it does get better with time. Time is the only thing that heals. It may sound cliché, but it’s true. But along with time, there are steps in which you can take to help yourself get to where you want to be a little bit faster; because in no uncertain terms… “You are a Survivor”!!!
I think that being the child of a Holocaust survivor has given me a perspective to life that most don’t have. Unfortunately, it’s also made me incredibly superstitious. So every time I do have a bump, I’m always thinking in the back of my mind that someone gave me a kina-hora. (Yiddish for evil eye…pooh-pooh–pooh-pooh) Realistically, I know this isn’t true.
However, I’ve managed to get passed that by purchasing a lot of red ribbon from Israel. (For those that don’t understand this, red ribbon is supposed help to avoid the evil eye).
However, I do roll with the punches that life offers because I often compare my own hurdles to those that my father went through.
My own bumps always seem minor that way and easier to manage. That is not to say that I minimize anything, but I do quantify the relevance.
When I speak to people about their broken relationships and heartache, I like to ask them this question.
Before you entered your previous relationship, what did you do to occupy yourself? You had hobbies, friends and activities that kept you busy and happy.
One common misconception after a breakup or divorce is that happiness can only be found with a significant other.
I always tell people that it is beneficial to look beyond the relationship to what life was like before and realize that they are strong and independent and able to live a happy and fulfilling life without the help or influence of another person.
Initially after a breakup or divorce, it may be frightening to think of living life without the support of a significant partner. You would be surprised by how much you can learn and grow from this experience. “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”. Period.
We know you were able to find a partner once, you were able to fall in love, you were able to sustain love… and if the past predicts the future than you will ‘fall in love again’. FACT!
But not yet…
I tell people that the easiest and worst thing you can do right after a breakup is find another partner to fill the void. This is just a temporary solution that will not work and will ultimately lead to problems. Plus, you will find that you go through multiple partners very fast. I like to call this,” the revolving door effect”.
You need to heal from one union before you begin another one. If not, than you will not be able to fully allow yourself the chance to fall in real love again. You will be spending time with someone else for all the wrong reasons and basically just providing yourself with space holders.
So what are the steps involved in finding a happier self after heartbreak?
If you start mapping out your emotional destination from today to where you want to be, you will have a good idea approximately of how far you have to travel. Think of this process as GPS mapping. I like to call this from hopeless to happy.
In my opinion there are three stages involved to becoming happy after heartbreak.
These stages are as follows:
*The awakening- I am where I am supposed to be.
*The shift-I can create anything I want in order to be happy.
*The journey-I am falling in love with a purpose rather than a person.
It’s true. While you’re going through the struggle it feels like the pain will never end. But I like to tell people that, “no storm can last forever”. It might last a while, but it will eventually end one day.
I often get asked about crying. I think crying is very important in any recovery process. It releases the pain one is experiencing and offers a release of emotion.
You’ll stop crying when you’re ready and not a minute before.
It is important to have an emotional goal.
Once that is done, the healing process can begin.
Until next time,
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