The relationship just ended and he/she was not the right one and you’re so D-O-N-E.
The stages of shock, sadness, anger, relief, or whatever you were feeling have come and gone and you’re secretly thinking that you will never date a person who has THAT quality ever again.
It doesn’t matter if the relationship was good while it lasted or if it was an emotional roller coaster. You are now realizing all of the things that truly bothered you.
Scratched at your skin like a bad mohair sweater.
Plus, you’re finding out what your friends, family, and especially your mother didn’t like about the person, too.
Funny how the truth comes out at the end.
You begin hearing things like, “I never liked him/her anyway.” And then you think to yourself, “Hmm, why didn’t they tell me this when we were together?”
They couldn’t—and you know it.
You were blind with the excitement…with the possibilities of love, or whatever it was you were feeling while you were together.
It’s crazy that when the dust settles, it so much easier to see clearly.
That’s because hindsight is 20/20.
Some call it taking the rose-colored glasses off. I like to refer to this as suddenly having the lights turned on with a 100-watt bulb.
Oh, don’t we all know it—the realization of knowing what everyone else knew before you.
Clarity. Yes, enough for you to realize and pinpoint EXACTLY what it was about the other person that just didn’t work for you…
You know, like the things that drove you nuts. The mannerisms, personality traits, character flaws that DROVE YOU ABSOLUTELY INSANE.
But you’re good now.
Those things no longer exist in your world.
But they were there once—and YOU were the one that let them in.
Actually, you willingly invited them in.
You did it because no one is perfect and they had so many other good qualities. Not to mention, they were great in the bedroom.
Yes, we all have used that justification at least once.
And while great sex is a plus and a foundation of most great relationships—the truth is there are 23 hours left in each day that count too.
Yes, you tolerated the bad, possibly for the good that you believed was there OR maybe you didn’t want to go to a holiday dinner alone. Let’s be clear, we all have our sophisticated excuses.
So you reflect and decide you are changing what you are looking for…creating a list of things about the past person and then taking it to the extreme so you don’t even touch, not even a bit, THAT quality in a new person.
You know, that person you are on the hunt to find.
You can picture that list in your head of all the qualities that you do not want in a partner—EVER AGAIN.
Then without realizing it, you take finding a new partner void of those qualities to a new level. You find yourself in some black and white ONLY universe.
One where there is NO gray area.
In your new black and white universe, you are overcorrecting. Worthy or not is based on, “has THAT quality” or “doesn’t have THAT quality”—PERIOD.
There is no in-between.
So how do you stop yourself from overcorrecting?
Be mindful of that list you created. Your happiness is not necessarily based on BLACK or WHITE, but most likely the gray that is found somewhere in the middle.
And that’s where most people find the one—somewhere in the middle.
So next time something from your magic list rears its ugly head with your new person, give yourself the opportunity to view the gray area. Is it different from before? If so, ask yourself can you be happy with this situation even if those qualities aren’t as apparent and are possibly balanced with even more good qualities?
And if not, then you move on.
My father always said, “Karin, there’s a toilet seat for every tush.”
He was right.
My personal motto—if you sit at the bus stop long enough, the right bus eventually arrives.
Until next time,