I consider myself very lucky to have gotten the chance to meet so many different people in my lifetime so far. As of late, I have been taking time just talking and picking the brains of men and women out there. I like to ask questions about commitment and love. I guess I’m becoming a bit of a social scientist.
I’m always so surprised by what I hear and see. I come into contact with so many individuals who are married or in committed relationships out at night without their spouses/partners on a consistent basis.
The theme with those folks is always the same…boredom. They seemingly can’t wait for some ‘alone time.’
Ughhh! This always gives me a bit of a stomachache. I imagine myself as the other spouse/partner at home, not having a clue that their partner is clawing at the gates, trying to get out and away from them. But what’s worse is that their girlfriends/boyfriends/partners/husbands are not just out enjoying some ‘space’ and time with friends. These people seem to be sorta out there actually looking for what I like to call the “BBD.”
Do you know what BBD Syndrome is?
Bigger, Better Deal Syndrome appears simple on the outside: You date or marry someone, but secretly wonder if there could be something bigger or better for you out there than what you have now.
The core of BBD is always narcissism at its finest; always wanting and expecting something better because somehow we’re ENTITLED to it. We deserve a hotter partner, a finer living room, a nicer car, a higher-paying job, et cetera, et cetera, and et cetera.
Are we ever satisfied?
And so we sit there across the proverbial table, taking in the option across from us and wonder, “Is this the best deal I can get?” (Sounds like a game show)
All we need to do is scroll through our social media sites to see men flexing their muscles on Caribbean beaches glistening in the sun, or scantily-clad young girls taking selfies to promote themselves and taunt men of all ages. All of a sudden, we think they are options on our romance menu.
But they are not.
Sometimes sticking with Door Number 1 is the best thing anyone could do. I always say that with each supposed ‘upgrade’ comes a loss.
When you think you’re going for something bigger and better, you might actually get the things you think you want temporarily, but then you lose some of the wonderful things you had permanently.
At some point, we need to stick with what we have, relish in our gains, deal with our losses and just leave the poker table because what we have is GOOD ENOUGH.
Three steps to overcoming BBD syndrome:
1. Throw away the shallow colored glasses that you are looking at others with. You are not the best product there is. Take a turn on the other side of the table and apply the attitude you look at others with to yourself. You are not perfect (even if by some standards you appear to be). If you need hands-on experience here, try going out with someone you would perceive as ‘out of your league’ and spend your evening trying to prove yourself to them. You’ll find fairly quickly that it isn’t any fun.
2. Prioritize your needs. Dating and shopping can get complicated really fast. What used to be ‘good enough’ no longer is. We artificially inflate what is most important. Like going from needing shoes on our feet to needing only designer ones. (Ok, you got me on that one) Get back to the basics of what’s really important, and you might be surprised at how many people there are out there you’ve been overlooking because of the BBD haze.
3. Practice being happy with ‘good enough.’ Recognize areas of your life where you’re okay with good enough and apply those feelings to other situations, including dating. Note: Good enough isn’t the same as settling.
The reality is that there will always be younger, hotter, richer, smarter, newer, blah-blah-blah. You get the gist. In the end, though, everyone and everything will age no matter how young or hot they may start out as, because with each passing day, we are all aging and Father Time leaves no one behind.
And I mean no one.
Sadly, everyone will eventually be physically less than what they once were, but the great gift is that what we lose physically with the passage of time, we gain mentally with new wisdom, great life experiences and an inner depth that can only be attained though living a long life.
If we were all blind, we would be forced to create relationships based on feelings and connections that weren’t so shallow. So, are we really just blind to what we have and only see what we don’t have? Newer isn’t always better. It’s just newer. Give it time, and it will no longer be a novelty, and then you will once again be seeking out another new toy to satisfy the quest for excitement.
It’s an endless cycle.
I have seen many people throw all their chips on the table for the BBD—only to lose VERY BIG in the end and realize it was not worth the gamble.
But if you love what you have and appreciate having it in your life, then you will always find new ways to play with it.
Carly Simon said it best in her song, “It’s the stuff that Dreams are made of…
Take a look around now
Change the direction
Adjust the tuning
Try a new translation
Don’t look at your man in the same old way
Take a new picture
Just because you don’t see shooting stars
Doesn’t mean it isn’t perfect
Can’t you see…
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of
It’s the slow and steady fire
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of
It’s your heart and soul’s desire
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of
So what’s this about your best friend?
She’s got a brand new shiny boy
And they’re moving out to Malibu
To play with all his pretty toys
And you feel closed in by the same four walls
The same old conversation
With the same old guy you’ve know for years
But use your imagination
And you will see….
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of
It’s the slow and steady fire
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of
It’s your heart and soul’s desire
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of
What if the Prince on the horse in your fairytale
Is right here in disguise
And what if the stars you’ve been reaching so high for
Are shining in his eyes
Don’t look at yourself in the same old way
Take another picture
Shoot the stars off in your own backyard
Don’t look any further
And you will see
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of….
Until Next time,
Love,
Karin
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The Buddha Team
