I guess last week’s post really resonated with many readers.
Interestingly enough, it had the most traffic of all my posts — and also the least amount of likes and shares.
What that says to me is that people are looking for answers to dating dilemmas and they are reading to find out what they are …
They choose to do so with anonymity.
And that’s OK.
I’m totally fine with that — happy to be of service.
Honestly, what I see as fairly common-sense rules to dating, some readers have more of a challenge with. So, I will continue to write the dating no-noes and yes-yeses in this post and try to shed some light on the rules I feel are important, all to make the dating process easier without wasting your time.
These basic rules will save you time and energy from barking up the wrong trees.
Scenario No. 1: Perhaps a coffeehouse or local bar/restaurant (somewhere public) with your own transportation and location sharing on.
You like this guy. In fact, your heart is racing and you feel some butterflies in your stomach (hopefully adrenaline and not last night’s dinner). You feel a spark, maybe a spur, an awakening. (Ok, maybe that’s taking it a bit far.)
It’s the first time in a while.
Hope and optimism are once again blooming like flowers in the spring …
We’ve all been there.
I swear it’s like a dating gestational cycle …
You meet, you mate, you marry …
Not anymore. Not even close. Not in today’s world.
Today’s world has new rules, and a brand-new set of complications.
But for now, let’s go back to the meet and greet.
You meet him and finally see possible potential. You’ve had a great first meeting. You find that you share many of the same goals, hopes and dreams.
BUT… the guy, even in today’s world, is usually the one to set up the second date.
So, you wait. And wait.
Sometimes it takes only a couple days and other times it can take much longer.
But in the meantime, you wait for his call or text with each passing hour. Every time your phone dings you race to check it in hopes that your new potential Prince Charming is on the other end with a request to see you again.
If he doesn’t call back for a second date — don’t call him. I plead with you.
I hear many women say, well, maybe he’s intimidated, maybe he needs a little push, maybe, maybe, maybe … and they take the bull by the horn and they reach out.
No. I am not an advocate of this.
Men will call if and when they want to. Period.
If you don’t hear back, then he’s just not into it and that’s most likely a blessing in disguise. I am not trying to sound harsh, but this is a reality that many women don’t want to see.
I’m usually pretty firm when it comes to second and third dates. I prefer them to be on a Saturday night. I’m old school all the way when it comes to Saturday nights.
But many times, a person’s schedule is booked a bit in advance (I get it) so if you get asked out on another night, chances are it’s OK to accept in the beginning.
By the third date, if he continues to ask you out for another night besides Saturday, the probability that he’s got other plans or another date is pretty high.
Saturday night is date night.
If you like this guy, you don’t want to be his Friday night or his Sunday night date. And the chances of being his fallback girl, second-round choice or backup plan are rising faster by the second if you continue to accept non-Saturday night dates going forward.
Scenario No. 2: It’s every Tuesday night for Italian.
If by some chance you wind up having sex with your date (G-d, I hope not yet) and he still continues to ask you out for other nights other than Saturday …
Congratulations, you have now become his “friend with benefits.” Chances are once this occurs, you’ll be getting his attention all the time, but never when you really want it. You’ll get great late-night texts, early-morning calls, everything and anything other than a Saturday night dinner date.
But hey, you’ll hear from him and that’s good enough. Right?
Scenario No. 3: Monday nights at your local sushi restaurant.
If you keep going out with him and have good laughs, use up energy and time getting to know him, share private details of your life, are not intimate with him — and yet stilldon’t get asked out for a Saturday night …
You, my dear, have been put into the friend zone.
The friend zone is almost impossible to get out of unless you lay down boundaries. You like this guy, you feel chemistry and you really want to date him. But he keeps asking you out during the week, never the weekend, and you secretly think to yourself, in time he’ll like me …
Well, you’re wrong.
Just a tiny FYI. It’s almost impossible to get out of the friend zone. It’s like the Eagles song “Hotel California” — once you check in you can never leave. If you want another friend, then by all means that’s fine. But I guess I’m assuming you have enough friends and being some guy’s emotional outhouse isn’t a joyride either.
I hear things like, he’s really sad, he’s going through a divorce, he needs a sounding board …
Yada yada yada.
OK, no problem. You can be there for him, absolutely.
On a Saturday night.
And if not …
Let him pour out his heart to the girl he takes out on Saturday night (because it doesn’t look like it’s you). Do yourself a favor and put your time into dating the ones who want a relationship.
Don’t hook up, don’t be his confidant, don’t spend your time and your energy hanging around someone who doesn’t want anything more when you, in fact, do —unless you want to, of course (and then that’s another subject for another day).
Scenario No. 4: It’s Friday night and you’re watching Real Housewives on Bravo while playing Candy Crush on your phone.
You’ve met, you liked each other but he texts you 8 p.m. on Friday night (or worse yet, Saturday morning) for a Saturday night date …
Nope … don’t answer on Friday night! You’re out and busy.
Not enough notice.
This isn’t a game and I’m not giving advice as if it is one.
I’m merely sketching out an outline of respect. Boundaries you need and he will respect later on.
After all, you’re not a last-minute girl. You’re not there to be asked when his other plans fell through.
OK, I get it. If you’re interested in a very busy man who has zero time and is saving the world or has his kids and no sitter, one time, maybe two times, last-minute plans can be excused. But don’t make a habit of always accepting at the last minute. Keep in mind that once it happens, chances are it will continue.
And if this continues …
You don’t have to say a word or reprimand. (The worst is a parochial type of girl who lectures.)
You’re a lady, not his mother.
Simply be kind and gentle and courteous and firm. You already have plans. You respect yourself.
If he is into you, he will figure it out. And the following week you’ll be dining with this great guy who asked you out to an amazing restaurant for a wonderful dinner — on Wednesday for Saturday night.
As my father would say, “If she’s worth it, she won’t be easy.”
A SAMple of love is always holding yourself in the highest regard.
Until next time …