Lately, I have found that most of my magazine reading material consistently has articles relating to, “how to find a man” or “how to keep a man” or even, “how to keep your man satisfied”. I’m starting to think this country is obsessed with finding a man and or keeping him. Has this become a new age hunting sport that I’m unaware of? I mean sure…it’s nice to find him and even nicer to keep him- but do we really need 10,000 articles to tell us how to do it?
Rarely, have I ever found an article on, “how to blow off a guy”. Yep, I said it. It’s the dark side of dating that we hush hush. As a single mom in the dating world, I hear so many stories about dating. Yet, there’s this weird feeling in the air when the subject on how to gracefully “blow off” a guy gets brought up. Men do it all the time. It seems like they don’t even think twice about it. Women tell me horror stories on how he just “never called again” and that was it… poof, and he was gone without an excuse or reason. (Just like one of David Copperfield’s magic tricks)
Women are much more emotional beings than men, and because of that- we have a hard time with hurting someone’s feelings. Most men don’t even feel that a “blow off” requires an explanation while many of the women I spoke to felt quite the opposite.
There’s a movie called; ”He’s just not that into you”. The premise behind it was genius because its 100% accurate. When a person wants to be with another person…they will. That’s why listening to excuses is kinda pointless. There’s more emphasis in the media on how to “catch a guy” than “how to get rid of him”. Honestly, aren’t men supposed to be catching us? Remember, they are the hunters. I’m puzzled how this whole thing got reversed. When did women become chasers?
Ok, so here goes… after gathering data from my most trusted peeps, I have a list of the most popular cop-outs that women say to “blow off” a guy. I believe life would be much simpler if we knew how to just be honest up front. Women always want to offer an explanation when we aren’t into a guy. We are genetically programmed to nurture and therefore we are afraid many times to be straightforward and boldly just tell the truth. So instead of honesty, we come up with the most absurd reasons why it just won’t work in order to avoid hurting the guy and hoping he will figure out our disinterest quickly.
Sometimes “blowing him off” just makes him pursue harder. UH OH!! This is what I like to refer to as the “boomerang effect”. The definition of the “boomerang effect” is as follows: a persuasive form of communication sent to a receiver, yet returned back with the opposite reaction. Thus, the consequential result is not the original, intended message.
It’s crazy because women only wish that the guy that they really liked chased as hard as the guy that they don’t. I like to refer to this as the “irony effect”.
There’s nothing worse than that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re on a date that you don’t want to be on or receive an unwanted text or phone call from an undesired pursuer. It’s an awkward feeling that can sometimes cause panic and a racing heart along with a patch of dewy sweat that forms right on your forehead (or so I’ve been told).
It’s really challenging to be honest and truthful with your feelings when you’re just not into whomever you’re with. However, dating is all about selection and whenever there is selection; filtering quickly follows.
Personally, I feel there is an honorable way to do everything in life…even the most uncomfortable of things. Below is a list of the most common cop-outs… I’m sure we all can relate to one of them at some point in our lives.
1. It’s a really busy time in my life right now.
(I’m not willing to make time for you because it’s not a good fit)
2. I’m sorry but I’m just not looking to date.
(It didn’t click enough for me)
3. My heart isn’t healed over the last relationship.
(If I had those feelings for you, I’d be over him in a minute)
4. I’m not looking for a relationship.
(You aren’t my game changer)
5. I’m really enjoying just being alone.
(Honestly, being alone is better than hanging out with you)
6. I’m only looking for friendship
(I’m not attracted to you)
7. I’m not feeling well lately
(My anxiety is kicking in because when I go out with guys like you I feel like I will be single forever)
8. I can’t get a sitter (if you’re a mom)
(I’m not even looking for one)
9. My kids are taking up all my time
(I’m not willing to squeeze you in anywhere because I see no future with us)
10. I’m seeing someone else
(Our connection wasn’t strong enough)
Here’s the thing…if you’re really into the guy, you will make time somehow, someway. I don’t care if you have to squeeze him in between your lunch break, or in between the first thirty minutes of Dr. Oz…you will do it.
Please dear G-d; I hope my next date isn’t reading this.
Here’s the problem…some guys just don’t quit. They miss the cues and can’t read the signs. I think it’s noble to be determined and even more admirable to pursue. However, when a guy simply becomes more of a pesky fly than a potential suitor, it’s a real turn off. (And believe me, there is not a bug spray on the market that can help with this)! I’m sorry.
I prefer to rename “blowing off” a guy to “conscious elimination”. (I’m modeling it after Gwyneth Paltrow) After all, life is about including what we want in it and eliminating what we don’t, right? I guess I’m replicating my theory after the digestion system.
Dating is a process of elimination. ”EVERYONE eventually wants to get serious, get married or get coupled up, so…we date. And not just to choose, but to eliminate as well. I love that line.
Is dating simply the means to an end? Is it something we keep doing, sometimes for years, so we’ll never have to do it again? (YES)
Perhaps we date to get to the place where we’ll never have to date again, or we are at the coupled up place where we just think we’ll never have to date and then something happens to uncouple us. Suddenly, we are out there again, in dating purgatory, “assessing each other’s suitability”.
It is important to be honest when dating.
Not just honest with your date, but honest with yourself about your own needs and wants. Time is precious for all of us and no one deserves to be led on, or obligated to be in something that they don’t really want to be in. In the end, the truth always sets us free. Even if it takes time to find the right partner, be patient and just remember my father’s favorite saying… ”Karin, there’s a toilet seat out there for every tuchas” (Yiddish for butt).
Until next week…
Love,
Karin
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