You Ask, The Relationship Realist Answers- 3/31/2017

You Ask, The Relationship Realist Answers- 3/31/2017

Hey RR, I’m in need of a “Reality Check”…

I just found out my friend’s husband is having an affair.  I don’t think she knows.  What do I do?

Loyal Friend, Chicago


I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It’s very painful all around.

With that said, while loyalty is always important between friends, being the messenger of this kind of information does not make you a true loyalist. What it does is put you between a rock and a hard place morally. While vomiting the truth clears your conscience, it will cause horrible pain for your friend and likely cause the demise of your friendship. 

A marriage is between two people, therefore a third party is not welcomed. Even though people always say that they would want to know, the reality is that over 90% of people stay in their marriages even after they find out about infidelity.  Worse yet, they drop the friend who told them because of the embarrassment and humiliation of staying. Sometimes there are higher values at stake that you (an outsider in the marriage) don’t know about; as well as other needs being met and alternative priorities that she/he have discreetly chosen.  Even if you go against better judgment by telling your friend, most likely she will defend “her” guy like a mama bear with her cubs.

Best advice- don’t get involved.  Chances are that if he’s cheating, she already knows there are marital problems, and will most likely find out on her own in time. And when she does find out, if she chooses to share, that will be your opportunity to be a truly loyal friend.  Hope this helps!

-RR-

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