You Ask, The Relationship Realist Answers- 3/24/2017

You Ask, The Relationship Realist Answers- 3/24/2017

Hey RR, I’m in need of a “Reality Check”…

Believe it or not, I’m in love with two men.  They are both great and I really enjoy spending time with both, but I don’t know which one is the better long term relationship for me. They couldn’t be more different and both bring wonderful qualities to the table.

I know I want to get married and have children, therefore I know I can’t go on this way forever.  How do I choose which relationship to end?

Two Man-y Choices, Detroit Suburbs

If the two men you are in love with don’t know the other exists, making your choice sooner than later is a smart move.  If both men love you too, and one finds out about the other you may not have a choice to make.  Ultimately, you have to follow your heart and gut. So here are a couple of exercises that will help you make a clear decision.

First, start by creating a list that encompasses your ideal relationship.  That’s right, list all the qualities that you would like your life partner to possess.  Keep in mind the list can include any characteristic that you believe are important in life including but definitely not limited to personality traits, religion, financial stability, political views, importance of sex, and even appearance.  Yes, you can be as specific as, “he has season tickets to sporting events”, or even broad like, “he enjoys concerts”.  You are making an ideal list that allows you to create a scenario where you believe you would be your happiest self.  This is intended as a guide to direct you and clarify the vision for the life you want for yourself.

After your “ideal relationship” list is completed, it’s time to write out the characteristics you both like and dislike about the two men you are in love with.  List the positives about both men.  Now list the negatives.  Afterwards, compare each of their positives to your “ideal relationship” list.  Does one man possess more of your ideals?   Do either of the men have negatives you can’t see yourself living with?  If you see a negative on the list do you begin to think, “Well that is something I know he will change or grow out of”…STOP!  People don’t change unless they want to change!  Don’t assume they will make that change because they love you, there is no guarantee long term.

Second mindful exercise: See which man truly impacts your day-to-day life.  Keep track of how often you think of each in a 24-48 hour period.  It’s as simple as making a tally mark every time you think of one of them.  Is there one you think more about when you hear a song, see a commercial, or read a post.  Is there one you talk more about to your friends or family?  Which gentleman are you thinking about or talking about non stop? And finally, when you are face-to-face spending time with one of the men, is your mind and heart only with him, or do you find yourself thinking of the man that you aren’t with wishing he was there?

To make a long term decision, it is also important to do a check-in with the guys to make sure they want the same things as you do long term.  The reality is, there is no right answer.  It comes down to who you believe is right for you.  And once you make a decision,  you must put your entire being behind your decision and never look back.


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