He always comes back after each broken romance because he really cares about me, you silently convince yourself as the text messages begin to appear after six months of silence from the guy you really care about.
You’ve been into this guy for so long and can’t ever seem to shake him.
But each time he has a real opportunity to ask you out, he doesn’t. You rationalize it by thinking about how much you talk and text when he’s not in a relationship, and how you’re his “true friend,” and how much he relies on your friendship and trust.
Eh, not so fast there, sunshine.
This guy you care about, who relies on you for all your TLC? You’re either his fan or his crutch — but you are certainly not his forever.
In coaching clients and having been divorced for many years prior to getting remarried –– and seeing the full gestational cycles of many relationships — I’ve come to know a few things for certain.
If he wants to date you, he will pursue you now.
If he wants more than friendship, he will ask you out now.
If he comes back to you after every breakup with another woman, you’re his crutch.
And if he calls you during his other romances, you’re his fan.
If he doesn’t want you when he is supposed to want you, guess what? HE DOESN’T WANT YOU!
I have written countless articles about the “grey” relationship.
You know the one, right?
The one where it just isn’t black or white?
Just grey with no answers.
Just grey with no strings.
Just grey with no colors.
The thing about grey is that it’s supposed to be a temporary spot that passes into either a breakup or bursts into the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Nothing stays grey forever.
If you find that you’ve been in this same grey spot for a long time, chances are you have kept yourself there all on your own.
How to dig yourself out of the grey spot?
A close friend gave me sage advice a long time ago by explaining to me that every relationship either grows or dies. Yes, it’s true that friendships can turn into romantic relationships and romantic relationships can turn into friendships, but that is still a type of growth that occurs, only in a different direction.
If the guy you like and have been pining for has been stringing you along forever and the strings of your heart have been pulled more times than a harp, it’s time to make changes. And those changes begin with you.
I don’t believe ultimatums are always the way to go, but I do believe in honestly telling someone how you feel about them and then giving them a chance to choose of their own will. If they choose friendship over romance then it’s up to you to either be okay with it or not.
On a side note: If you have to tell him how you feel and he hasn’t really pursued you yet, chances are he doesn’t want more than friendship from you.
It’s up to you to either accept the limitations of this relationship or cut bait, because being friends with someone for whom you have romantic feelings is difficult at best. But at least you know and you’re not stuck in the grey any more.
A direction has been chosen.
If he needs a crutch, you’re not it.
If he needs a fan, he can find others.
Once you hold yourself in a place of high regard and healthy self–worth, you will see the clouds part and a ray of sunshine appear, allowing for space for the right man to show up. The one that chooses you.
Until Next Time,
Born and raised in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, Karin has a BA in sociology, with a minor in psychology earning honors at Michigan State University. Along with certification in relationship coaching, Karin is an international blogger and current columnist. She is currently accepting clients via skype or phone. She can be reached @[email protected].