In the years before I was engaged, I definitely had my share of dating experience.
Even though I’m what many prefer to call a “serial monogamist” (better than serial polygamist, right?) my long-term relationships all started out with a “first date.”
You know —date number one, the interview, the initial meeting where you find out if there’s enough chemistry and attraction to meet up again.
What I’ve noticed recently is that all my female clients feel as though they are in some contest waiting to be chosen, waiting to be called back, waiting to be asked out again.
Let me be clear when I say, I still strongly believe in old-fashioned values and I still believe, even in today’s world, that a woman should allow a man to chase her.
However, what I don’t believe in is a woman vying to make this to happen.
The other day, a successful 32-year-old woman from the East Coast was telling me she continues to get “ghosted.”
For those who don’t know what “ghosting” is, here’s the shortest definition I can come up with: “The art of disappearance.”
Meaning, you go out with someone, text with someone, chat with someone, and he or she just plain ol’ disappears without a trace.
Poof —and they’re gone.
Sounds like a sick reality show.
I asked my client several questions and listened intently to her answers. One of my main questions was, “Did you even want any of them to call you back?”
She replied with a definite yes.
I asked her to follow my first date rules to see what happened the next time she went out with someone she wanted a call back from.
And guess what?
It really, really worked.
So here it is …
First and foremost, I’m a huge advocate of making the man I’m with feel like a king … but certainly not on the first date.
And all I’ve been hearing lately is how women on the first date are pouring their hearts out, telling their sad tales and complimenting the guy as a means to get asked out again.
And what’s more …
There seems to be a bit of an imbalance in the amount of men who are available and potentially good partners in proportion to the amount of woman who are available and looking.
Since most of the people who come to me are women, I’m gearing this advice towards them today.
Sorry fellas …
Rule No. 1: Set a time (usually one hour from the initial meetup) that you need to leave and say it up front. This is not negotiable.
I told that client to meet her next date and within the first five minutes of sitting down, reclaim her power by setting a deadline for the date to end.
Example: “Oh, hi John, nice to meet you. So glad we got a chance to meet today. I’ve gotta run in an hour because I have plans later, so this is perfect.” Boom. A limit has been laid out, a boundary set.
Nothing ensures another date like being left with wanting more.
I like to use the example of dining to clarify my position. When you go out to eat, the appetizer doesn’t usually fill you, but satisfies you just enough that you’re not starving but yet very excited for the entrée …
Rule No. 2: Be the one who asks questions —“interview” him.
Let him talk and shift the feeling that you’re being interviewed to him being interviewed. When you’re asked questions, keep the answers light and fluffy. Nobody needs to know about the STD you got in high school and for goodness’ sake, don’t speak negatively about your ex.
Rule No. 3: Be confident.
Period. Even you don’t feel it.
Confidence is key. Confidence will make you look and feel more desirable and keep you feeling like you are the prize. (Which, duh, you are.)
Everyone desires someone with confidence. Men respond to how you make them feel, not what you’ve said. If you send out a vibe of pure assurance, your vibe attracts.
Rule No. 4: Sex is not OK on any first date.
I repeat … Can you hear the echo? DO NOT HAVE SEX! I don’t care how strong the attraction is. I don’t care how much liquor has been consumed. Keep your panties on and your dignity intact. Sex on the first date is like eating the main course of a meal before you even check your coat.
I know there are a million stories out there of how it didn’t alter this one’s relationship or that one’s courtship, etc. etc. etc.
Those are the exceptions. I ASSURE YOU.
When you give away your Halloween candy before the holiday has even begun, chances are he’ll be trick or treating on someone else’s porch faster than a witch can fly away on her broom.
Rule No. 5. Let him chase you.
Do not pursue him, do not run after him, do not text or call him after the date unless you’re replying or telling him you’re home safely. I can’t tell you how many women feel the need to take the reins into their own hands for fear the guy just won’t do it. It’s more than ok to show interest. Just don’t chase.
I’m here to tell you that if he wants to see you, I promise he will find a way to get to you.
I’ll leave you with a quote from my father that is one of my favorites:
“If he wants you in his life, he”ll put you there..”
A SAMple of love includes loving and respecting yourself.
Until next time …